That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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