Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
