I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
