More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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