And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
