Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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