im having a threesome with these popsicles
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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