I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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