can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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