i wish starbucks made bloody marys
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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