I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
