Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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