all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
