I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
