I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
