on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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