meet me or not, i'm out of control
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
