Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
