I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I didn't notice because vodka
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
