why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
