i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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