So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
And then he peed in my hair
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