Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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