Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
