I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
