this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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