We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
