you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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