I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
