I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
