I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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