i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
