Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
