Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
