even my farts smell like vagina
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't put those talents on a resume
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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