I wish my penis had an off switch
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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