Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
