Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
how drunk are you?
Several
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
