If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dicks are not precious.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
