she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
