I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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