he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
