there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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