you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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