Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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