he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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