Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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