Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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