Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
