Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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