I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my vag is so smooth its legendary
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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