I think I won the penis lottery.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
