is your mom at the bar?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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